Do any of these statements sound familiar?

“I’m a loser.”

“I can’t do anything right!”

“I’m such a failure.”

“ I failed in my marriage.”

“I failed as a parent.”

“I failed in my job.”

“If I fail that would be terrible!”

“I can’t stand failing!”

When we fail at something, all too often we think globally rather than in temporary terms. We think that we not only failed, but are failures. Feelings of unworthiness drag us down, leading to missteps and setbacks, defining us rather than merely offering feedback and educating us with useful information moving forward.

The good news is that we can build on our failures on the road to success. And in this article, I’ll show you how.

We can learn from our failures rather than being haunted by the ghosts of them. We can stop thinking in all-or-nothing, global ways, so that our mistakes and failures become stepping stones for success rather than millstones around our neck. Failure can help you succeed and grow by staying positive and thinking optimistically.

We learn from history about many famous failures who became some of the most successful people on the planet.

Here are just a handful of examples:

• Walt Disney at age 22 was fired from a Missouri newspaper for “not being creative enough.” Then Laugh O Gram Studios, one of his first ventures, went bankrupt.
• Colonel Sanders was broke at the age of 65, and with his social security check for $105 he went on the road, living in his car for 2 years, going from restaurant to restaurant to find a place to use his chicken recipe. He was rejected 1,009 times before finding an owner that would use his recipe, leading to the franchise.
• Michael Jordan was cut from his Sophomore High School basketball team.
• “And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street,” Theodor Seuss Geisel’s first children’s book, was rejected by over 20 publishers before being published by Vanguard Press.
• At the age of 30, Steve Jobs described himself as a public failure when he was fired from the board of Apple, the company he created. This led him to develop other ventures such as Pixar Animation and NeXT, before returning to Apple a decade later, resulting in his invention of the iPod, iPhone and iPad. In his famous speech at the 2005 Stanford Commencement, he cited this failure as being the best thing that happened to him, as he could begin again in most creative period of his life.
• Thomas Edison was fired from his job after working on his own invention for hours, which ended up in a chemical spill, damaging the floor and his boss’ desk. After he was fired, he started working for himself as an inventor. Later on, as he was working on perfecting his nickel-iron battery, he told a reporter “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

These are just a few examples of the many successful people who prove that there can be success after failure. As inspirational as these stories are, most of us remain plagued by our failures rather than motivated by them. Even if we know that failure is surmountable, it does not change the way we feel about ourselves when we experience it. Failure can take a toll on our self-esteem and feelings of self-love, diminishing our sense of optimism about our future.

So how can we feel better about ourselves? Below are 10 acts of self-love when we feel like a failure.

1. Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what you do now.

The ability to forgive is perhaps the greatest gift we can give to ourselves to help us recover from our regrets and missteps.

Instead of beating yourself up for not knowing what is so obvious now, see yourself as a work in progress and give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

2. Focus on being self-compassionate.

Self-compassion is perhaps the most important element of self-esteem and resilience. It used to be thought that achievement and success–rising above the norm–is the road to high self-esteem.

However, that road to self-esteem is way too conditional and assures that anyone at or below the norm is not as worthy or special. Self-compassion gives all people, high achievers as well as lower achievers, the assurance that they are worthy of love anyway, with no conditions.

3. Stop judging yourself.

Suspending the labels you put on yourself is an act of self-love. Instead of calling yourself “a failure”, be more specific and less global.

Failing does not have to define you and your worth. Changing your self-talk from “I”m a failure” to “I could not get things to work out.” or “I made some mistakes and will use this experience as stepping stones going forward.”

4. Turn your failures into goals.

Instead of “I failed at my marriage” you can say “I had trouble communicating in my marriage and am learning to communicate better now.”

The first statement is anchored in the past that cannot be changed while the second has an eye to the future and is more empowering of what you can do now.

5. Give yourself a hug.

Instead of letting your inner critic have full reign, how about just giving yourself a hug?

We all need hugs sometimes – especially from ourselves! Don’t you deserve it?

6. Imagine yourself as a young child, full of innocence and beauty.

Keep in mind there is no such thing as worthless or failing babies and children. We possess the same worth that we had when we were born.

Sometimes we need to look behind the scars and wounds to see that preciousness is still inside of us.

No matter how much we fail, our worth remains the same and we are still beautiful.

7. Switch your mindset from being a victim to a victor.

When you feel like a failure, you see yourself as a victim of the past instead of focusing on your resilience and ability to spring back.

After all, it’s not how many times we are beaten down and fail that matters – what really matters is how many times we get back up and try again, each time a bit wiser.

8. Become more mindful.

Mindfulness is not just about meditating or breathing deeply and quietly in isolation. Rather it is staying fully in the present in our daily lives with non- judgmental awareness in whatever you do.

When we are mindful, we stay rooted in the present instead of looking back at our past missteps or anxious about the future. As the saying goes, “Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present!”

9. Calm yourself with a calming box.

Sometimes we need something tangible to sooth us when we feel down. As a therapist, I would sometimes have my clients create a self-soothing box to help them cope in stressful times.

Using actual objects that serve to distract and self-soothe can provide soothing touchstones.

A journal, a stress ball, a polished stone to remind you of your self worth and body oils are all examples of things that can be placed inside a calming box and used to soothe you when you’re feeling down.

10. Connect with others.

When people feel like a failure, all too often they isolate themselves, closing themselves up instead of opening up to others.

Seeking social support is one of the best choices you can make when you feel like a failure. Getting another person’s perspective will help you stop the tunnel vision that distorts your self-view.

Asking for help, having the courage to open yourself up instead of closing yourself down will pave the way not only for avoiding loneliness, but it will also deepen your connections with others.

These 10 action plans for defeating feelings of failure will serve as a springboard for a resilient and full life.  Instead of focusing on the failure that comes with falling short, be proud that you dared to pursue your dreams with courage and enthusiasm.

To quote Winston Churchill,

“Success consists of going from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

Calm yourself in times of stress

Original article on pro.psychcentral.com.

As a therapist, I have always been a big fan of offering my clients “hands on” practical strategies that can help them self-soothe immediately in times of anger and emotional distress. I refer to these self-soothing boxes by names such as a Calming Box or Coping Skills Toolbox. Self-soothing boxes are made up of a variety of items to distract and soothe. For example, a Hershey Kiss or Hug can remind us to be kind to ourselves and others and give figuratively “Hugs and Kisses” in times of anger and emotional upheaval. It also tastes good and gives ourselves a much needed “Kiss” or Hug!”

Using Calming Boxes are an example of an emotional regulation strategy in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, addressing the need to develop skills for increasing distress tolerance. The Coping Skills Toolbox replaces the urge for angry interpersonal exchanges or even self-destructive behavior, such as substance abuse or self-harm.

To make up a Coping Skills Toolbox, you can take a shoebox or get a decorative box inexpensively at a dollar store or craft store. Using actual objects that serve to distract and self-soothe are great for both children and adults in times of distress. It is one thing to think about something, but another to provide an alternate activity or tangible soothing touchstone. Tangible objects help ground us. They are especially helpful in times of emotional upset to give immediate comfort and can serve as a distraction, as well as offering alternative activities. Each individual collects items in their individual boxes that are personally meaningful. Most items can be inexpensively found at the supermarket, dollar store, or around the house.

The following are some examples of items that could offer self- soothing and increase coping skills in times of distress.

• A stuffed animal to hug
• A Stress Ball to help relieve stress
• A bottle of bubbles to blow out frustration and “lighten up”
• A pencil to write yourself healthy reminders
• Joke books, Soduku or Crossword Puzzle books
• Scented candle
• Playing cards
• Notebook, journal or notecards to write out feelings
• Cards given to you from friends and family
• Calming oils to touch and smell
• Stress ball or small bouncing ball
• Book or file cards with Affirmations
• Small Play Dough – Good sensory outlet that you can mold and shape
• Yarn and needles for knitters

Self-Soothing boxes are especially fun to make in a group setting, as group participants can get ideas from fellow group members on what works for them to control their anger or impulsive tendencies in times of emotional distress. If you are leading a therapeutic or educational group, have a variety of objects on a table, and go over with the group how these items can help soothe them. This can be a fun brainstorming activity, as there are no right or wrong answers. Sharing ideas of what is soothing can be quite therapeutic in itself, and encourages flexible thinking. At the end of the project, have members share with the group what they chose to put in their boxes, and discuss how their items will be used in times of emotional distress.

For more ideas of how to use these “hands on” boxes for children as well as adults, click here for more details on how to assemble a Calming Box.

Are you ready to forgive? 

One of the most difficult burdens that weigh heavily on many of us is being weighed down by bitterness and grudges. Sometimes we see the tormenter as no one other than ourselves, and we get emotionally paralyzed by self-blame and guilt, crippling self-esteem and limiting optimism about the future. Lacking forgiveness  for the wrongs committed by self and others are one of the primary obstacles to happiness. Learn about the healing power of forgiveness with these main points and the following quick quiz.

TIP #1: Forgiveness is not about condoning behavior – it is about accepting that regretful things happened, and not letting one’s life be defined by the past which can not be changed.

TIP #2 Forgiveness is less about the the transgressor and more about the person who harbors the resentment. It’s about the negativity that keep reverberating in one’s head, many times long after the perceived transgressions.

TIP #3 In the case of not forgiving others, help clients see that even if the other person does not deserve their forgiveness, they do. They no longer need to be defined by the transgressions of others.

TIP #4 Being unforgiving makes it hard to find gratefulness in everyday life, and gratefulness is one of the keys to a positive and emotionally healthy life.

TIP #5 Forgiving others – and yourself – for not having the foresight to know which might be now so obvious in hindsight, is the key to freedom from unhappiness, anger and bitterness.

TIP #6 Forgiveness opens your heart to healing, instead of keeping it closed and self-protective.

TIP #7 Forgiveness does not mean going back for more. Setting limits with others is important so you won’t be hurt again – even to the point of ending a toxic relationship.

TIP #8 In the case of self-blame, learn from the mistakes, make amends if others were hurt, and move on wiser than before. In essence, learn from the past, don’t live in it. Forgive yourself for not being healthier “back then.”

TIP #9 You can transform unproductive regret to productive regret when staying stuck in self-blame. In productive regret, you build on lessons learned from the past and make new choices now.

TIP #10 Helping your clients forgive will help them shift from why to what’s next? Only by moving forward, bruised but wiser, will our clients be able to live life fully TODAY.

Use this quick quiz to test their “Forgiveness IQ”, to unleash the power of forgiveness. To quote comedian Lily Tomlin, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

Getting Through the Dark Days of Winter

Winter is generally regarded as a “season of contempt.” It is often blamed for gloomy moods that range from “the blues” to a bonafide mental disorder called Seasonal Affective Disorder (known as S.A.D.) that affects up to nearly 10 per cent of the U.S. population or over 20 million people  (increasingly predominant as you go further north).  Reasons for mild seasonal blues are blamed on coping with the cold and inclement weather, feeling “cooped up”, being too sedentary, feeling isolated, as well as suffering from a lack of light. In fact, in the case of the more severe Seasonal Affective Disorder, the treatment of choice is artificial light therapy, along with treatment with anti-depressants.

This winter does not have to be doom and gloom, if you prepare yourself with a winter survival mindset.  Here are some tips to beat the winter blues:

• Gloomy Days Do Not Equal Gloomy Thoughts.  Dark, cold days do not make us feel depressed or stressed.  Those thoughts come from inside our heads and we ourselves determine how we perceive things on the outside.  It is our “take” on events outside of ourselves that can mess us up!
• Don’t Wish It Away – Instead of thinking that you won’t be really happy until spring breaks again, use this time wisely to develop a stress resilient personality that builds on a blue mood to help you become more introspective, insightful and aware of yourself.  Emerge from the winter a more highly developed “YOU!”   Use the extra time indoors to get some reading done, learn to make a new recipe, or get some other indoor task done that you have been avoiding.

• Learn From Your Moods – Blue moods have something to teach you if you surrender to them, examine them, and do not regard the moods as Boogie Men.  Consider a blue mood as a light on your dashboard when the gas it low – it is a warning that something needs attention.  What is it?  Famous author,  Elie Wiesel, attributes his ability to get through the dark days of being in a Nazi Concentration Camp to his love of learning, and he claims this focus on learning every day got him through those horrendous times and allowed him to have an attitude of survival.

• Be Active – Even if it is icy and snowy outside, it does not mean you need to be a coach potato.  Find ways to keep active throughout the winter.  Work out at a home or local gym, join an indoor sports league such as tennis, yoga or basketball, or find outdoor sports that you can do in the snow such as skiing, skating, snow shoeing, or just plain old walking.  The more active you are in the winter, the less weight you will gain, and the better you will feel for staying “fit.”

• Be Careful What You Eat!  – One reason people feel ‘down’ in the winter is that they do not feel “fit” and their clothes get tighter due to a more sedentary lifestyle, as well as eating in excess during the holiday season, or from just  plain old “emotional eating” due to boredom. Unwanted weight gain affects self- concept and self-esteem, and contributes to depression.  Countless studies have shown that happiness correlates to a positive body image.

• Be Careful What You Drink!  – It is all too common for people who feel low and bored to use alcohol to drink their troubles away.  Paradoxically, alcohol is a depressant, and the more you drink the more depressed you get overall even though the short term effects of alcohol might be viewed as pleasantly numbing. Avoid binge drinking above all, and misuse of other chemical substances. People who have a hard time controlling their alcohol intake often end up seeking out alcohol rehab

• Seek Support!  – It might be more of an effort to connect with others, but making efforts to get together with friends and family can ward off the sense of isolation that often comes with the winter doldrums.  The cozy warmth of relationships can keep your heart glowing and provide emotional sustenance during the winter months.

• Seek the Light!  – You don’t have to have Seasonal Affective Disorder to benefit from making sure you get enough light in your life.  Bundle up in warm clothes and commit yourself to going out for even a short time every day to get some natural light and the Vitamin D that you get from sunlight.  This will likely boost your mood and you won’t get that cabin fever!

If you follow these tips, you will spring into Spring with a lighter step and healthier  mood!

ACTIVITY

To help you cope during the holidays, how about trying to write out some “coping cards?” Take some small file cards and on one side of a card write down any negative thought relating to your holiday stress, and on the other side of the card write a rational and positive response to serve as a reminder when you are stressed.  For example, a negative thought might be, “My mother in law is so rude – I can’t stand being around her!”  The other side of the card can reframe that notion by writing, “I wish my mother in law was healthier and I have a hard time being around her but will see this as a challenge to grow and become more accepting of others who are not like me.”  After you write your cards, you might want to put clear adhesive contact paper to preserve them and then punch a hole in one corner, putting them all on a ring to bind them.  Carry them around in your purse or back pocket to keep yourself grounded!

Note: Coping cards are suggested by Judith Beck, Ph.D. at the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research