Calm yourself in times of stress

Original article on pro.psychcentral.com.

As a therapist, I have always been a big fan of offering my clients “hands on” practical strategies that can help them self-soothe immediately in times of anger and emotional distress. I refer to these self-soothing boxes by names such as a Calming Box or Coping Skills Toolbox. Self-soothing boxes are made up of a variety of items to distract and soothe. For example, a Hershey Kiss or Hug can remind us to be kind to ourselves and others and give figuratively “Hugs and Kisses” in times of anger and emotional upheaval. It also tastes good and gives ourselves a much needed “Kiss” or Hug!”

Using Calming Boxes are an example of an emotional regulation strategy in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, addressing the need to develop skills for increasing distress tolerance. The Coping Skills Toolbox replaces the urge for angry interpersonal exchanges or even self-destructive behavior, such as substance abuse or self-harm.

To make up a Coping Skills Toolbox, you can take a shoebox or get a decorative box inexpensively at a dollar store or craft store. Using actual objects that serve to distract and self-soothe are great for both children and adults in times of distress. It is one thing to think about something, but another to provide an alternate activity or tangible soothing touchstone. Tangible objects help ground us. They are especially helpful in times of emotional upset to give immediate comfort and can serve as a distraction, as well as offering alternative activities. Each individual collects items in their individual boxes that are personally meaningful. Most items can be inexpensively found at the supermarket, dollar store, or around the house.

The following are some examples of items that could offer self- soothing and increase coping skills in times of distress.

• A stuffed animal to hug
• A Stress Ball to help relieve stress
• A bottle of bubbles to blow out frustration and “lighten up”
• A pencil to write yourself healthy reminders
• Joke books, Soduku or Crossword Puzzle books
• Scented candle
• Playing cards
• Notebook, journal or notecards to write out feelings
• Cards given to you from friends and family
• Calming oils to touch and smell
• Stress ball or small bouncing ball
• Book or file cards with Affirmations
• Small Play Dough – Good sensory outlet that you can mold and shape
• Yarn and needles for knitters

Self-Soothing boxes are especially fun to make in a group setting, as group participants can get ideas from fellow group members on what works for them to control their anger or impulsive tendencies in times of emotional distress. If you are leading a therapeutic or educational group, have a variety of objects on a table, and go over with the group how these items can help soothe them. This can be a fun brainstorming activity, as there are no right or wrong answers. Sharing ideas of what is soothing can be quite therapeutic in itself, and encourages flexible thinking. At the end of the project, have members share with the group what they chose to put in their boxes, and discuss how their items will be used in times of emotional distress.

For more ideas of how to use these “hands on” boxes for children as well as adults, click here for more details on how to assemble a Calming Box.

Are you ready to forgive? 

One of the most difficult burdens that weigh heavily on many of us is being weighed down by bitterness and grudges. Sometimes we see the tormenter as no one other than ourselves, and we get emotionally paralyzed by self-blame and guilt, crippling self-esteem and limiting optimism about the future. Lacking forgiveness  for the wrongs committed by self and others are one of the primary obstacles to happiness. Learn about the healing power of forgiveness with these main points and the following quick quiz.

TIP #1: Forgiveness is not about condoning behavior – it is about accepting that regretful things happened, and not letting one’s life be defined by the past which can not be changed.

TIP #2 Forgiveness is less about the the transgressor and more about the person who harbors the resentment. It’s about the negativity that keep reverberating in one’s head, many times long after the perceived transgressions.

TIP #3 In the case of not forgiving others, help clients see that even if the other person does not deserve their forgiveness, they do. They no longer need to be defined by the transgressions of others.

TIP #4 Being unforgiving makes it hard to find gratefulness in everyday life, and gratefulness is one of the keys to a positive and emotionally healthy life.

TIP #5 Forgiving others – and yourself – for not having the foresight to know which might be now so obvious in hindsight, is the key to freedom from unhappiness, anger and bitterness.

TIP #6 Forgiveness opens your heart to healing, instead of keeping it closed and self-protective.

TIP #7 Forgiveness does not mean going back for more. Setting limits with others is important so you won’t be hurt again – even to the point of ending a toxic relationship.

TIP #8 In the case of self-blame, learn from the mistakes, make amends if others were hurt, and move on wiser than before. In essence, learn from the past, don’t live in it. Forgive yourself for not being healthier “back then.”

TIP #9 You can transform unproductive regret to productive regret when staying stuck in self-blame. In productive regret, you build on lessons learned from the past and make new choices now.

TIP #10 Helping your clients forgive will help them shift from why to what’s next? Only by moving forward, bruised but wiser, will our clients be able to live life fully TODAY.

Use this quick quiz to test their “Forgiveness IQ”, to unleash the power of forgiveness. To quote comedian Lily Tomlin, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”

Below are 8 items that you may agree with or disagree with. On a scale of 1 to 7, rate your level of agreement with each item, being honest and open with yourself.
7 Strongly Agree
6 Agree
5 Slightly Agree
4 Neither Agree or Disagree 3 Slightly disagree
2 Disagree
1 Strongly disagree

_____ I feel satisfied with who I am and where I am in my life
_____ I refuse to allow regrets and disappointments cloud “today”
_____ I feel a strong sense of connection with others and do not feel isolated
_____ I tend to think rationally and optimistically
_____ I do not hold onto grudges and can forgive others for not living up to my expectations
______ I feel a great sense of control over my emotions, thoughts and feelings
______ I have a healthy sense of humor and can laugh at life’s imperfections
______ I feel more gratitude on how my life is now rather than focus on what’s lacking

Total your score here: ____________ Emotional Wellness Range:

51-56      Emotional Wellness is extraordinary!
46- 50     High level of Emotional Wellness
40-46      Moderate level of Emotional Wellness
32-39      Emotional Wellness needs some boosting!
24-31       Emotional Wellness needs work!
16-23       Emotional Wellness needs significant improvement – seek some help to boost your attitude!
Below 15 Danger Zone! Don’t wait to get professional help for your Emotional Wellness!