As the holidays fade and the new year gets underway, many folks are left with the often-debilitating effects of post-holiday stress and regret over goals not realized. While 2025 offers yet another chance to start anew, some can fail without understanding or a plan for overcoming stress. 

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Original article on stevenaitchison.co.uk.

“My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind before you can move on.” – Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump seemed to have learned a lesson that many smarter and more accomplished people have not. Despite the fact that we all know that life never gave us a guarantee that we would be fairly treated and that bad things would not happen to us, we commonly get taken by surprise when life gives us a blow that we think we don’t deserve. As much as we try to move on after a setback, all too often yesterday’s blows become today’s negative pull that grips us and limits our enjoyment of NOW. A powerful pull from the land of past regrets and “woulda coulda shouldas” loom larger than life, robbing us of our sense of well being. Perhaps most tragic, however, is the feeling that yesterday’s disappointments, losses and failures have set the stage for the rest of our lives, leaving many with a loss of hope that they will never, ever “get over” what is too late to change.

There is no shortage of things to “get over” in our lives. There are obvious devastating traumas such as crippling accidents, serious illness, personal loss, family conflict, job layoffs or termination, failure, and painful breakups, to name a few. However, many insults to our internal equanimity are not as visible to the eye. Private heartbreaks and invisible scars of disappointments in ourselves and others can lead to questioning past choices, leaving us to wonder “why”, “why didn’t,” “why didn’t I,” and “if only.” Despite the fact that we “know better,” and realize that nothing can change what is past, it sometimes seems almost impossible to “get over” these painful feelings of lost opportunities, failed chances, poor choices, broken friendships and irrecoverable relationships. The profound sense of loss and disillusionments might very well lead us to feel doubtful that we can ever really “get over it!”

Yes – it is too late to alter what has happened, but the truth is that we need not be held hostage forever by the land of broken dreams and lost chances. The following are 6 tips to move forward from yesterday’s pull, to finally once and for all, “get over it.”

1. Realize that some things you never really “get over” but you still can “get through.”

There are some things that are so life altering that we never can truly leave them behind us. Extreme and heart breaking loss such as the death of a child, severe trauma, facing a fatal disease, life-altering accidents in which you or a loved one are permanently disabled or disfigured, are just a few examples. The more tragic the impairment or loss, the more we are challenged to rise above it. The more we are pressed to make good of something so bad, the more we need to to seek support and help to carry on. Those that are determined to open their hearts to try again, to love again, to trust again, will get through the trauma much better than those that shut down and spiral into isolation and bitterness. We might not have the ability to change the past, but we can choose how we deal with it so we can at least get on with life in a way that is albeit quite different from before, but a life that still offers hope and joy.

2. Things that you can’t “get over” are great warnings!

Imagine the gas light on your car. The gas light signals that we are running low on gas so as to prevent us from running out of gas and alerting us that action needs to be taken, i.e. to get to a gas station. Likewise, the things in our lives that we can not “get over” are telling us something that we still have things to learn – and it is up to us to discover what!

3. Over 80 percent of our life is determined not by events, but our reaction to them.

Instead of focusing on what can not be changed, focus on what can be changed. In most cases, events or other people do not cause us to feel a certain way. WE DO! Taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings, getting out of a victim mentality, will empower you to make stepping stones out of your past regrets, setbacks and disappointments instead of wearing them as millstones around your neck.

4. Stick to the facts, not interpretations

Often we can not “get over” something because of stories we tell ourselves, which are not based on facts. For example, some people who lose a job will be disappointed, but still have the confidence to move on realizing that there might be better opportunities. In contrast, others would not be able to “get over” the trauma of rejection and label themselves as losers and failures. People in crisis often create stories about themselves and personalize life’s cruel twist as somehow reflecting their self worth, resulting from old ingrained judgmental thought habits. The negative “self-talk” becomes so ingrained that often we do not realize that we have the power to change it!

5. Give yourself permission to grieve what “could have been”

In some instances, we can’t be expected to “get over” something too soon if we have not gone through the process of grieving. Grieving is not just a process we go through in dealing with the death or loss of a loved one. There are less visible and concrete losses, such as a realization that you might not have the life you thought you would, that your enthusiasm of Act 1 on your life gave way to a very disappointing Act 2 or 3. Anywhere from large scale grief to private heartache, the process of grieving is vital to the healing process. At times we need to go through stages of anger and bitterness in order to be able to move to the stage of acceptance.

6. Seek support – as long as it the healthy type!

People grow best through support and relationships. Those who retreat inward and shut people off so as not to be hurt again will keep on re-traumatizing themselves. Those who become better from a setback rather than become bitter will find new avenues to seek support to soothe their sense of loss. Healthy and supportive relationships can help heal wounds. Even if others can not fix your trauma, they can help you cry. Also – keep in mind that even if you are reeling from a broken heart, at least when it is broken, it becomes open!

7. Know that there are no“do-overs” but there are “second chances.”

Remind yourself that it’s never too late to “start over.” As the famous quote by George Elliot reads, “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” If you learn lessons from what you can not “get over,” and make healthy decisions now based on what you learned, you will truly give yourself new life to an old issue. Changing behaviors to cope with or prevent unfortunate things from happening again will empower you. Being proactive instead of reactive, while making changes based on your life lessons, can heal past hurts. Reworking yesterday never really works!

8. Forgive for goodness sake!

Whether you need to forgive yourself, others or even God or life itself, forgiveness will release you from the chains of bitterness. The more you can forgive, the more you can accept life as it comes. Forgiveness opens your heart to gratitude, focusing on what is good in your life rather than what is sorely missed. Imagine you are looking at a bagel. Do you focus on the hole or on the whole? Give yourself a gift by trading bitterness and powerlessness to acceptance and gratitude.

If you follow these 8 tips to “get over it” you will be in great shape to get on with your life!

I welcome comments. What are things you can not “get over” and do you have other suggestions on how to “get over it?”

In a recent interview on the topic of Self-Esteem, I was recently asked by a journalist why people who are successful and high achievers so often have surprisingly low self-esteem. Additionally, many of us wonder how people who seem to “have it all” are still plagued by self-doubt. The assumptions that people who have outward success have high self-esteem underlie the myth that many of us erroneously hold to be true: i.e. that the more above average you are, the better you will feel about yourself and your life. If that was true, then anyone in the lower 50 % percent in society in terms of intelligence and success are doomed to have low self-esteem due to being below average!

Luckily for half of the world who are in the lower half by society’s standards, these outdated notions have been proven false by current psychological research.The following are three common myths of self-esteem that really don’t work, and new researched based findings that do!

Myth #1:

People who are smarter than average and are high achievers have higher self-esteem than their less accomplished counterparts.

The Reality:

Your sense of self-fulfillment, self-esteem and even happiness is not based on comparing yourself with others. In fact, that is a set-up for misery. No matter how smart or successful you are, there is always someone smarter and more successful. Once you play the comparison game, your self-esteem will not be in your hands, but only in comparing yourself with others.

Measuring your worth based on being better than others leads to a lot of insecurity and stress. There are always people who are smarter, thinner, more attractive, wealthier, more popular, more famous, have better kids and better stuff.

The Solution – Gratitude and Self-Acceptance:

Trading jealousy and envy for self-acceptance paves the way to a life of gratitude for what you have rather than bitterness for what you don’t.

Comparing yourself with yourself is the only way to gain self-esteem. Trying to be better than yesterday, learning from your setbacks and mistakes gives the power back to you and not others.

Don’t you deserve to love yourself without using others as a yardstick for your self worth?

Myth #2:

Being hard on yourself makes you “better” and prevents you from “letting up” from doing your best.

The Reality:

The one sure thing that being hard on yourself does is to increase your anxiety and perfectionism. Many people who are smart enough to go to the most prestigious school and get the highest level jobs are all too often stressed, perfectionistic and notoriously hard on themselves. Those who are image-obsessed, wanting the perfect body and features, can end up with eating disorders, constant anxiety and even excessive plastic surgery. Striving for perfection is a self-esteem robber. You are not only as good as your last success – you are good no matter if you succeed or fall short, or if you are 15 pounds overweight or your ideal weight.

The Solution – Heal Self-Recriminations with Self-Compassion:

Try self-compassion instead of conditional self-esteem. Self-compassion allows you to love yourself unconditionally, and accept yourself without any preconditions to being perfect or even above average. When you are self compassionate you are self-loving, forgiving, and kind to yourself even when you fail.

Self-Compassion does not mean the you don’t try to be better and to strive for your goals. It doesn’t mean you let up on yourself and not to try to lose those extra pounds. It’s just that you don’t beat yourself up if things don’t work out the way you expect. Most people – especially high achievers – are too hard on themselves and say things to themselves that they would never say to a good friend.

Are you willing to talk the way you would to a best friend? Don’t you deserve it?

Myth #3:

The better your accomplishments, the better you feel about yourself.

The Reality:

It has been often believed that the more you reach your goals, the better you feel about yourself. This belief focuses on outcomes and not effort and commitment. No matter how hard we try, we can not often control our outcomes. No matter how much effort we give, the outcome might fall short of our expectations. This does not mean you are one of life’s losers.

The Solution – Replace a Fixed Mindset to a Growth Mindset:

Research by Carol Dweck has found that those with a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset are happier and more self-loving. She has pioneered research in the field of Mindset Science which focuses on the importance of having a flexible mindset. A growth mindset focuses on effort rather than success. She has found that those who reward themselves for their efforts rather than measure their worth by their accomplishments will be more resilient in good times and bad.

So isn’t it time to stop evaluating you worth based on your outcomes, shifting your focus instead to your effort and commitment? How about giving yourself an “A” for effort ?

The next time you look “out there” for good feelings about yourself, remind yourself that self-esteem can only be gained from the inside out. It is truly is an inside job. Despite the temporary high that our accomplishments and victories in life can give us, truly the greatest victory of all is to refuse to play the comparison game, to master the art of self-compassion, and have a growth mindset. As you master these three vital elements to self-esteem, you will truly be able to Embrace Your Greatness.

—

Judith Belmont, MS, LPC is an online mental health coach, motivational speaker and author of Embrace Your Greatness: 50 Ways to Build Unshakeable Self-Esteem.

Article published for Brown and Company UK blog

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

“I’m a loser.”

“I can’t do anything right!”

“I’m such a failure.”

“ I failed in my marriage.”

“I failed as a parent.”

“I failed in my job.”

“If I fail that would be terrible!”

“I can’t stand failing!”

When we fail at something, all too often we think globally rather than in temporary terms. We think that we not only failed, but are failures. Feelings of unworthiness drag us down, leading to missteps and setbacks, defining us rather than merely offering feedback and educating us with useful information moving forward.

The good news is that we can build on our failures on the road to success. And in this article, I’ll show you how.

We can learn from our failures rather than being haunted by the ghosts of them. We can stop thinking in all-or-nothing, global ways, so that our mistakes and failures become stepping stones for success rather than millstones around our neck. Failure can help you succeed and grow by staying positive and thinking optimistically.

We learn from history about many famous failures who became some of the most successful people on the planet.

Here are just a handful of examples:

• Walt Disney at age 22 was fired from a Missouri newspaper for “not being creative enough.” Then Laugh O Gram Studios, one of his first ventures, went bankrupt.
• Colonel Sanders was broke at the age of 65, and with his social security check for $105 he went on the road, living in his car for 2 years, going from restaurant to restaurant to find a place to use his chicken recipe. He was rejected 1,009 times before finding an owner that would use his recipe, leading to the franchise.
• Michael Jordan was cut from his Sophomore High School basketball team.
• “And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street,” Theodor Seuss Geisel’s first children’s book, was rejected by over 20 publishers before being published by Vanguard Press.
• At the age of 30, Steve Jobs described himself as a public failure when he was fired from the board of Apple, the company he created. This led him to develop other ventures such as Pixar Animation and NeXT, before returning to Apple a decade later, resulting in his invention of the iPod, iPhone and iPad. In his famous speech at the 2005 Stanford Commencement, he cited this failure as being the best thing that happened to him, as he could begin again in most creative period of his life.
• Thomas Edison was fired from his job after working on his own invention for hours, which ended up in a chemical spill, damaging the floor and his boss’ desk. After he was fired, he started working for himself as an inventor. Later on, as he was working on perfecting his nickel-iron battery, he told a reporter “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

These are just a few examples of the many successful people who prove that there can be success after failure. As inspirational as these stories are, most of us remain plagued by our failures rather than motivated by them. Even if we know that failure is surmountable, it does not change the way we feel about ourselves when we experience it. Failure can take a toll on our self-esteem and feelings of self-love, diminishing our sense of optimism about our future.

So how can we feel better about ourselves? Below are 10 acts of self-love when we feel like a failure.

1. Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what you do now.

The ability to forgive is perhaps the greatest gift we can give to ourselves to help us recover from our regrets and missteps.

Instead of beating yourself up for not knowing what is so obvious now, see yourself as a work in progress and give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

2. Focus on being self-compassionate.

Self-compassion is perhaps the most important element of self-esteem and resilience. It used to be thought that achievement and success–rising above the norm–is the road to high self-esteem.

However, that road to self-esteem is way too conditional and assures that anyone at or below the norm is not as worthy or special. Self-compassion gives all people, high achievers as well as lower achievers, the assurance that they are worthy of love anyway, with no conditions.

3. Stop judging yourself.

Suspending the labels you put on yourself is an act of self-love. Instead of calling yourself “a failure”, be more specific and less global.

Failing does not have to define you and your worth. Changing your self-talk from “I”m a failure” to “I could not get things to work out.” or “I made some mistakes and will use this experience as stepping stones going forward.”

4. Turn your failures into goals.

Instead of “I failed at my marriage” you can say “I had trouble communicating in my marriage and am learning to communicate better now.”

The first statement is anchored in the past that cannot be changed while the second has an eye to the future and is more empowering of what you can do now.

5. Give yourself a hug.

Instead of letting your inner critic have full reign, how about just giving yourself a hug?

We all need hugs sometimes – especially from ourselves! Don’t you deserve it?

6. Imagine yourself as a young child, full of innocence and beauty.

Keep in mind there is no such thing as worthless or failing babies and children. We possess the same worth that we had when we were born.

Sometimes we need to look behind the scars and wounds to see that preciousness is still inside of us.

No matter how much we fail, our worth remains the same and we are still beautiful.

7. Switch your mindset from being a victim to a victor.

When you feel like a failure, you see yourself as a victim of the past instead of focusing on your resilience and ability to spring back.

After all, it’s not how many times we are beaten down and fail that matters – what really matters is how many times we get back up and try again, each time a bit wiser.

8. Become more mindful.

Mindfulness is not just about meditating or breathing deeply and quietly in isolation. Rather it is staying fully in the present in our daily lives with non- judgmental awareness in whatever you do.

When we are mindful, we stay rooted in the present instead of looking back at our past missteps or anxious about the future. As the saying goes, “Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present!”

9. Calm yourself with a calming box.

Sometimes we need something tangible to sooth us when we feel down. As a therapist, I would sometimes have my clients create a self-soothing box to help them cope in stressful times.

Using actual objects that serve to distract and self-soothe can provide soothing touchstones.

A journal, a stress ball, a polished stone to remind you of your self worth and body oils are all examples of things that can be placed inside a calming box and used to soothe you when you’re feeling down.

10. Connect with others.

When people feel like a failure, all too often they isolate themselves, closing themselves up instead of opening up to others.

Seeking social support is one of the best choices you can make when you feel like a failure. Getting another person’s perspective will help you stop the tunnel vision that distorts your self-view.

Asking for help, having the courage to open yourself up instead of closing yourself down will pave the way not only for avoiding loneliness, but it will also deepen your connections with others.

These 10 action plans for defeating feelings of failure will serve as a springboard for a resilient and full life.  Instead of focusing on the failure that comes with falling short, be proud that you dared to pursue your dreams with courage and enthusiasm.

To quote Winston Churchill,

“Success consists of going from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”