Author Archives: Judy Belmont

Steve Jobs was a brilliant man, a visionary. He was larger than life, and now on screen in the film about his life, Steve Jobs again has become a fascination to many. His personal life has become a fascination to many, despite his brilliance in the realm of technology that revolutionized the world, his personal life revealed him as a man with interpersonal struggles. In fact, he has been called a jerk  in various posts including Business Insider.

When Steve Jobs died, I became fascinated with news about him. Almost all the news depicted a visionary, a genius, a man who was compared to the likes of Einstein and Edison – and with good reason. He was an inventor, a creative and forward thinker, and he transformed the world of computer technology, film and music. His innovations have affected billions of people around the globe, and his “user friendly” technology has made life so much easier for the average person. With his brilliance and ability to be a true visionary, he made it possible for so many of us to use technology in a way that is intuitive and easy.

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Almost three years ago, when Bernis Madoff was discovered to have bilked investors of billions of dollars in an elaborate Ponzi scheme, the disbelief and anger as the stunned world looked on was shocking. The ones most in shock were those who felt “lucky” enough to invest with Bernie Madoff. Wealthy people, including celebrities, found their own nest egg or the money for their foundations completely wiped out. However, the one who was the most tragic casualty was his own son, Mark, who took his life 2 years to the day after his father’s arrest.

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It is funny how our clients all know that life is not fair, but still they expect it to be! It is one thing to know intellectually that life is not fair, but another thing to give up the sense of entitlement and expectations that it should in our day to day lives. Sometimes it seems so hard to help them change their ingrained habits of thinking!

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In my clinical psychology graduate program with its psychoanalytic orientation back in the 70‘s, I was taught that therapy largely was focused on uncovering how your past was still present in everyday life. The mindset at the time was that only by shedding light on deep seated issues can a person move past what had made them stuck, with increased insight and understanding. I only learned about Cognitive Behavior Therapy after graduate school, and was amazed at how just changing one’s self talk one can really change lives and happiness quotient. However, in my practice i found that even was not enough. Insight into thinking patterns alone does not change things, especially if habits are deeply ingrained. Sometimes, “knowing better” does not mean that we can actually “do better.” If so, we would all be exercising regularly and trim and fit! For many clients, some no matter how much they identify their irrational thoughts and know how they can replace them with more rational ones, they remain stuck. Why? They have no new skills to act differently!

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As we all know, life can sting. People come to us with all sorts of hurts and challenges in their lives, seeking to heal but just don’t know how. There is no shortage of reasons and ways people feel broken, and besides support and having a safe place to “unload,” they need new tools to move forward. In an earlier ACA blog post, I wrote about use of metaphors and how they can help in the healing process. Metaphors help unlock old habits of thinking and coping, and encourage flexibility in learning new ways to tackle old problems. When methods of coping no longer work, even if it had worked or at least seem to have worked in the past, the role of the therapist as teacher of a “new language” is vital for therapeutic success.

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Recently a very bright, professionally accomplished client in her 40‘s asked me, “Is it okay to have my own thoughts?” She wasn’t kidding – she meant it! Although she had had a Ph.D., and was a sought after speaker and teacher, emotionally she was a “people pleaser” who was taught early on that it was “selfish” to be too stuck on her own thoughts. In her personal life, she was easily swayed by the thoughts and opinions of others, deferring to them so she would not be seen as “selfish. Interestingly enough, we chuckled together over the fact that the message came from her very critical and overbearing mother who demanded that her daughter put her mothers needs over her own.

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As I am starting to wind down and limit my practice in order to spend more time on my speaking and writing, my quest for getting new clients in the door is no longer desired – and now I get more calls! I am amused to find that now that feel I have broken the “code” to learn how to get new clients I no longer want them, and the more I am not looking the more they call! So that my top 6 lessons learned do not go to waste, I decided to share what I learned so that earlier in your career you can benefit from my lessons learned. This is certainly not a definitive guide, but this is how I crystallized what I have found in my own practice.

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Hayley Wilson wrote a timely ACA blog post this past week on the questionable merits of counselors using Facebook. After going through a huge social media learning curve this past year, originally spurred on by trying to promote my latest book, I have come to appreciate the power of social media to promote positive messages of emotional wellness. As a graduate student back in the 70s, I never could have envisioned that mental health could be promoted in such an extraordinary way to reach people in every corner of the globe! In this age of increasing use of social media, Hayley’s post was just the impetus I needed to outline some ethical ways to promote mental health and wellness using social media.

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